The curious phone call from the girl that I love

You see, she moved on.  Found a new guy.  One moment she is telling me that she loves me, wants a family, and desires to marry me.  The next moment she turns so cold.  The time frame for this entire transition is less than a week.  So, why the phone call now to see how my family and I are doing?  No contact for a month spending time with your new boy then a sudden inspiration to care just a little… I have trouble understanding.

I was not good enough for you.  I was not worth your time.  Interestingly, you called last week on Wednesday evening with no response from me.  At least no response from me so far.  Why can’t I let this be?  To pretend that I do not care.  To prevent the inevitable pain that will transpire inside myself.  I want to set aside my cell phone along with the feelings to provide a way for myself to grow into something that is better than where my emotions currently reside.

Of course, my heart still sees your beautiful eyes and retains memories that place me in the best fantasy world.  A world I desperately want to call home. In reality, I am unable to stop loving you.  Yet, I need this love to be void of any real connection and solely in my heart.  When did I become so pathetic? Weak?

A flood of anger, tears, sadness, and betrayal fill the veins of my body.  It is like riding a roller coaster that has the ultimate fun highs and the valleys of the lowest lows.  I am broken.  I am hurt.  I am torn to pieces.

In shark contrast to my perceived reality is my actual reality.  I have a job, friends, and aspirations.  The things that make life worth living, I possess.  Instead, I lack the emotional construct to get up off the ground.  I am lost in the shadows.
Will you be my candle?  I just need a small amount of light to find the path to continue my journey.
This post is confusing.  It is meant to be this way.  These words match the confusing and often conflicting nature of my heart.  I guess sometimes that is all that needs to be said.

-J

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